Crimating
“I”
***Breaking News***
Here’s a news, that we just received.
The world-famous, well-known “I”;
The intimate friend of both meek and mighty,
Who used to creep, into every soul in search of ‘things’,
Has been found in an incinerator
Attempting to burn ermmmmmmm…..
(What should I say?
Himself or herself?)
‘Whatever’….. alive.
(“I” is a word…
Then what am I reading?
Gosh! I even can’t think without “I”…
Let alone reading this!
Now that damn “I” is reported to be burning
Itself to death in an unknown somewhere.
How on earth! Can this happen?)
[The viewers see a silent, bemused, newsreader on screen].
(Just get a life boy!
For freaking heaven’s sake read on!
I don’t care who the heck this “I” is,
That’s a smoking hot news we got, from our best guy out
there.
Just don’t screw it up!
Got to play the
president’s message of condolences too…
Man just speak-up!
Give it a start and hand me the queue!)
We are extremely sorry for the inconvenience caused
Now let’s move on to the President’s message of condolences…
***The President’s Message***
Venerable Maha sangha,
Other reverent priests,
And my dear friends,
It is indeed a disheartening news we’ve got
The most significant person, who thus far brought
Our precious lives forward, is reported to have been seen,
Cremating……
Or rather being self-cremated
at an unknown ground.
With my heartiest gratitude for “I”
For the great, invaluable services
He hath rendered to all of us so far,
I extend my heart-felt, deepest condolences
To all the family members, loved ones and the bemoaning
relatives of “I”.
As “I” hath not left anything for us;
either to pay our respect
or to deposit in a monument
that’s built in “I”’s honor,
I’ve informed the relevant authorities
To do whatever possible, in order to offer our government’s respect
to “I”
Although this is a great loss to our entire nation,
To our entire country and even to the whole world,
I expect that our intelligent public,
Will not violate the peace by any means.
A two minutes silence in honor of the deceased “I”,
Has been declared tomorrow at 9.00 A.M.
All the Sri Lankan citizens are obliged to
Offer their respect to “I”, By observing silence
And by stopping whatever work they do within those two minutes.
(Buddy, there are some commercials to be plaid…
So going to queue a break OK?)
(NO WAY!
Don’t even think of it!
This is breaking news mind you?
Just leave us on air until this ends
And then do whatever you wish!)
(Dude, I’m going to queue the message of the opposition
leader next
Just give me the line now!)
In this most grievous moment, let’s move on to the message
of condolences
That has been extended by
The leader of opposition.
*** The Leader of Opposition ***
All the reverent priests,
My dear friends,
It is not only “I”, that this world lost today.
His entire ancestry inclusive of
“My”, “We”, “Us” and “Ours”
Too passed away with”I”.
But still, the president you elected,
To rule this blessed country,
Has failed to realize the real weight of this loss.
In fact this loss, could have been prevented..
If the proper security for “I” was kept in place.
That’s indeed a national responsibility
That the government should fulfill.
As You would notice, under “my” regeme,
This could never have happened.
On the other hand,
The unwise senseless messures
Taken by the state, to offer respect
To “I” that has left us sans a trace.
Must be condemned, in immediate effect!
As the leader of a responsible opposition,
With the above note of reminder,
The deepest sympathies, are extended;
To all who mourn for the loss of “I”.
With that we conclude,
this special breaking news bulleting.
Stay tuned, for more news and updates!
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